Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
How can I start? It is undoubtedly tough. But deep in my heart, I want to try to express my still-healing emotions and hopefully be able to help someone who is going or has gone through similar pain.
I believe we should be more open about our experiences. Everyone goes through hurt although, for different reasons, it is not often shared. Yet, these are the times when we experience the most growth. And even though we don’t wish pain on ourselves and others, the truth is that there is always a purpose and lessons to be learned.
Finding out we were pregnant
Finding out we were pregnant was without a doubt a great joy. For me personally, to experience the blessing of knowing that a beautiful human being was growing inside of me felt just like a miracle.
Although we did not plan to get pregnant, we were so excited that we couldn’t keep it to ourselves for long. We shared it with our family and many friends. This was too special and we wanted to celebrate this new life.
I fell in love with my baby as soon as the pregnancy was confirmed. The joy was so different from what I had experienced before. I could not believe it! My body was changing, my mind was changing, and my prayers were changing. It was not about me anymore. All doubt and concerns about the uncertainties in our life were not there anymore, there was something bigger growing in me and I knew that God was in control.
The Miscarriage
One day there is blood. Wow! It was such a surprise. Nerves kick in. The worry! The thought of losing this life was terrifying! At first, I tried to think positively. But then, I realised I could only give up my emotions and wishes and allow God to be Lord over this situation.
In a blink of an eye, my baby was gone. This life that I already loved so much, that made me feel like never before, that I never got to meet in person was gone!
My miscarriage is what they call an incomplete one. My body did not recognise that there was no baby for around 1-2 weeks, so I still felt pregnant. A few weeks later I started bleeding more. Having the pain of contractions with the blood but “no reward”, was physically and psychologically the toughest pain I have ever experienced. The hospital visits were also numerous and enduring the uncertainty that all would be ok was overwhelming.
First, I said to myself “it is ok” but it was deeper than I thought. I did not understand why this happened. Did I do something wrong? Was God punishing me? Was I not good enough to be a mother? It is very normal to have these thoughts. To maybe blame God or ourselves. But, in my heart, I knew that although this was not God’s will, He had allowed it for a reason. I did not have to know why this happened, but I had to trust Him and stand on His Word, not on my emotions.
The real praise is that of sacrifice! It is when you are in your weakest time, without any logical reason to praise, that crying out you praise Him because HE IS more than enough, the Father and the Creator of all things. It is not about how you feel but it is solely about WHO GOD IS!
And He was with me! His hand was holding me and taking care of every single detail. Yes, it is difficult to understand logically why these types of challenges and pain come our way. However, He never said it would be easy but He promised He would be with us, never leave us or forsake us.
By God’s mercy, I’ve made the choice to grow and learn from this difficult situation. Although I do not wish this on anyone, today my tears are of praise and I see the blessing this experience has had in my life and heart.
I see life from a different perspective. Losing my child gave me a deeper understanding of the pain of loss and even physical and emotional pain. I have got to know the Father in a deeper way. I have died a bit more to myself and my heart for Him and people has enlarged. That is a real blessing!
To our child:
“You have made me feel so special. You felt like a miracle growing in me. I celebrated every moment that you were with us and I mourn you because I miss you.
Many times, I prayed and sensed you would be someone who would make a difference. And you did just that! You have changed my heart. You have changed me. For that, I am forever grateful.
I know where you are, that you are with the Father and that gives me such peace. I can’t wait to meet you one day. I love you!”
